Famous Critic Ankles Wine Spectator

Wed April 1 2009 2:44:00 ET

In a move that has stunned the wine cognoscenti, noted wine critic James Suckling is leaving Wine Spectator magazine to pursue an acting career. The erstwhile Bordeaux and Italian connoisseur released the news yesterday over a latte at a sidewalk café in L.A., speaking to no one in particular but loud enough for anyone to hear.

Mr. Suckling had just come from a meeting with a Hollywood image-makeover specialist and was comparing various Photoshopped headshots of himself, some with the buzzcut and shades, some with a jaunty mix of ’80s rockstar hair and rapper bling, one with preppy blue sweater, hipster glasses and goatee. None had a wine glass.

“I need to finish what I started in Mondovino,” Mr. Suckling said, referring to the 2005 film in which he had a significant, if wince-inducing role. “I should have been as big as Miles in Sideways,” he lamented. Apparently forgetting that Mondovino was a documentary, the once-powerful critic praised his own ability to handle both dramatic dialogue and comic nuance.

Perhaps the latter was a reference to the quip about giving high ratings to the Tuscan winery that doubles as his landlord. Unfortunately, Robert Parker’s flatulent dog got more laughs, and much to Suckling’s chagrin, after a short flourish of press focused more on Mondovino’s themes than on his performance, the British native was forced to return to his role as an influential, numbers-wielding critic. In retrospect, the thrill of exclusive tastings, lavish dinners and slovenly admiration of the European wine industry was not enough to squelch Suckling’s inner thespian.

Meanwhile, while the reborn critic was contemplating street names (“Do you prefer J-Suck or J-Sling?” he mused) and whether to go after action or romantic roles first, reaction at Wine Spectator headquarters in New York has been one of dismissal. “Suckling, Shmuckling,” said Wine Spectator editor and publisher Marvin Shanken, momentarily removing a cigar from his mouth. “A trained monkey could do what he did anyway. Just look at Laube in California. He was just a newspaper guy in Vallejo before I let him rate wines on our 100-point scale.” (In James Laube’s defense, as Wine Spectator’s primary California critic, he has consistently demonstrated his ability to write just like a newspaper reporter from Vallejo.)

Executive Editor Tom Matthews announced that he would not consider shifting any of the current critics to assume Suckling’s former beats, noting that years of tasting an overproportionate amount of region-specific wines had left himself and his masthead peers totally jaded. “I’ve drunk so much Rioja I don’t even know what a Médoc tastes like anymore,” he confessed.

Matthews added that for the time being, the magazine will ignore Bordeaux and Italy completely, focusing instead on “real wine regions.” At the same time, an unconfirmed leak from Marvin Shanken’s office hints that the publishing magnate was already at work turning this new crisis into an opportunity. The unnamed source described a Reality TV show, along the lines of The Apprentice, via which average wine enthusiasts would compete for the chance to be Suckling’s successor. At the close of each show, the contestants would be rated on a 100-point scale, with those with less than 80 points berated—and banished.

In a further development, north of Manhattan at the headquarters of Wine Enthusiast Companies, Editor and Publisher Adam Strum announced that James Suckling is welcome to join his empire. “Since Jimmy is such an expert at using the 100-point scale,” Strum noted, “we’ll start him off at our retail division Wine Express, where we cook up our own WEX ratings for the wines we sell (except for K-J, Mondavi and all other wines people recognize). Then he can move over to our magazine staff, where his golden palate will help churn out even more high ratings that we can parlay into paid label reproductions that appear like editorial in our widely ignored ‘buying guide.’”

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